Ok, so I've been working my butt off on this site and it's finally paid off. I have officially finished the site and posted some content. There isn't much content yet, but it will grow as I post more. I am very pleased with how it's turned out.

The New Site

That is the question.

Well, I took my resume to the company I was hoping to acquire a job at, but unfortunately enough for me... the person I was hoping to talk to and give my resume to was in a meeting. So, I was forced to hand off my resume to someone I'd never heard of and TRUST that it would make it into his (the other guy's) hands. It's been two days now, is that too soon to call and say "Hey, did you get my resume?"

Or should I just wait so I don't sound completely needy and helpless? Hmm...

So, I've found a company that said they are willing to possibly overlook the fact that I'm not formally educated in web and graphic design. They said they would have a look at my resume and portfolio.

Bad thing is, I have neither! I need to "whip" one up pretty quick and take to them. It's not often you find someone who's willing to give you a chance.

Second bad thing is, I have no clue how to build a professional looking resume. Sure, I could go online and build some two-bit piece of crap in some online tool... but doesn't that sort of defeat the whole purpose of being a designer?

I can make a portfolio of things I've created over the years, but I have no clue how to write good things about myself. I've heard that the key to a good resume is to "sell" yourself.

Well, if anyone has any good pointers, tips or ideas, I'm all ears! I guess if worse comes to worst, I'll just go throw together some crappy thing off the net and slap a staple in it. I'd just rather build one of those artsy fartsy looking resumes you see designers do.

I swear, if I never see another line of php generated by WordPress... it won't be too soon!

Sifting through the mountains of code to "hack" a decent layout is a pretty hard task to say the least!


WHEW!

You know in the past 7 years of my life I've experienced/endured more painful and traumatizing things than most people who are twice my age. I've served in the military straight out of high school, during which time I've SEEN two of my close friends die due to the stupidity of someone who was supposed to set the example for the lower ranked soldiers... One (Jeremy) wound up falling asleep during a training mission while we emplaced explosives near his position, we all fell back to the bunker to set it off... but realized after we had already initiated the 30 sec time delay that he wasn't there with us thanks to his squad leader forgetting about him. Another, (Chad) was a team leader, and with that position came the responsibility of being the first person to go "down range" and check to make sure that all the charges were set off after we heard the booms... Well, thanks to the stupidity of a Sgt who wanted to get rid of some extra "Det Cord" without informing the rest of us that he added another explosive charge to the group.... When Chad went to check after we heard the assumed number of explosions... Well, we had to put the pieces of his body in a trash bag. These are things that not only should people never have to see, but especially not at that age, and moreover than that... NOT DURING A TRAINING MISSION!!!

Now, I was also part of the "cleanup/rescue" crew who was first dispatched to search for survivors during the blackhawk helicopter collision in 2001 in Hawaii. Two BlackHawk helicopters collided during a training mission... No survivors.

As if these things alone aren't enough to scar someone mentally... I have been married, during which time I had two children with her. Zach, my first son... The love of my life. I still remember waking up to him crying at night. I would take him into the living room and turn on the song "With Arms Wide Open" and sing it to him while I swayed back and forth and he would fall asleep so peacefully. I remember the first time I held him at the hospital... Such a sobering feeling. To think that something that small, something that helpless, was counting on ME to be his protection, provider, nurturer, and caregiver. His life was in my hands... LITERALLY. That's something that no one can understand until it happens to them. Ben, my second son... I actually feel somewhat ashamed. Ben was conceived apparently right before my ex-wife left me. I wasn't able to be there for any of the pregnancy, nor for the delivery. I didn't even know she was pregnant until she was 6 mos. Ben was 5 months old before I was ever given a chance to hold him for the first time. Due to the fact that I didn't get to bond with him while he was still in the womb, or during the delivery process, or even during the critical months in the beginning, I truly did not have the same feelings towards Ben as I did towards Zach. That, is a feeling that I will never be able to forgive myself for. He too is my son, and he too should have just as much of my love as any of my other children. My ex-wife left me while I was still in the Army... Anyone who has ever been in the service knows... it's not that easy to go chasing after someone you love in the military. If they're not dying... you're not going. So, I have a son who is now 5 and another who is now 4 that I don't get to see. I haven't been able to establish a relationship with them.

After she left I went through a period of self abuse, alcoholism, drug addictions, hatred towards God... Hell, I even got 666 tatooed on my back. I attempted suicide once, not an "I want attention" attempt, but a real go at killing myself... If it weren't for the fact that apparently I can't tie a knot in a rop for shit, I wouldn't be here now to write this. As soon as the tension caught, the rope came undone and I fell on my ass in the middle of the interstate. I attempted to "Go out with a BANG", I was going to hang myself from an overpass which was on the way to work for everyone I worked with... Everyone who truly didn't give a rat's fucking ass whether I lived or died. I wanted to maybe bounce off their windshields as they drove to work. But, it didn't work... It's amazing how quickly your instinct to survive kicks in with cars rushing at you, when two seconds ago you wanted nothing more than to die.

During my time of depression at that stage in my life, I met another woman. She was young, youthful, she truly didn't give a shit what anyone else thought about her, I guess it was a sort of "escape" to date her.... Take me back to my childhood... back where I had no pain (not emotional anyway). We fell in love, and she got pregnant with yet ANOTHER son, Damien. Damien was the one son that I did get to have a lasting relationship with... I wasn't there with her during the first 6 months of the pregnancy, but I did establish a bond during the rest. I was there for the delivery. I slept with Damien on my chest every night for the first 6 weeks of his life. He would NOT sleep unless he was laying on my chest. I remember giving him piggy back rides, taking him for rides in my truck, letting him run around on top of the flatbed trailer, letting him sit in the driver's seat of the truck and pretend he was driving... It's funny how kids work... He always saw me driving a truck, shifting gears with one hand and steering with the other... so, when he sat in the seat... he almost fell trying to reach the gear shifter with his short little arms... It was so cute. He wanted to be just like his daddy. Anytime he saw a big truck on the road... he'd say "DUCK" he'd tap me and say "Daddy... DUCK DUCK!!!" Now, anytime I was out on the road... when he saw a truck... he'd say "Daddy?" and point at the truck.

Last year, I finally got something I never really thought that I wanted... but when I got it, I couldn't have been more happy. I got a baby girl. Kiana. Kiana was born in Hawaii last year, and for the short time I was allowed to be her father... I grew more attatched to her than I did with Zach, Ben OR Damien. She was Daddy's little Toodle Bug. I remember saying once that I never wanted a girl... I didn't want to have to deal with all the drama most girls go through... but once I laid eyes on her beautiful little face... I could've slapped myself for ever even thinking such a thing. She was the most perfect little angel I had ever seen. If there is a heaven... It was in her eyes and her smile. I remember the first time that beautiful baby girl smiled at me... I literally broke down in tears. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. I don't even know what kind of words to use to express it. I remember taking Kiana for a "Daddy Daughter Day" and I took her over to my mom's house while she was at work... I gave her a bath, I set her on a blanket in the floor while I took a shower... She just played and cooed. Then we went in the living room and i played with her in the floor and watched her try to scoot across the floor. I remember her trying sooo hard to scoot over to her bottle. I also remember how all I had to say was "Toooodle Buuuug" and she would smile ear to ear.

Now, all of that is history. Nothing more than a memory. I don't get to see Damien or Kiana either. Me and their mom broke up, and she took them with her.

There were also two other women I've loved and lost during this seven years I've been out on my own. One was "thrown away" by me... The other apparently "woke up" and realized I wasn't it for her. Whether by my hand or theirs, I still lost love.

The moral behind all of these blabbering is that there is a weapon greater than any nuclear, chemical, biological, or explosive bomb known to man. It's a simple four letter word.

LOVE

Love has the power to encourage, nurture, lift up, empower, support, make you whole, calm your fears and dry your tears... It can give you hope, and it can make you smile for no reason. It has the power to turn a bad day into the greatest day of your life. It can turn the coldest heart into an overflowing fountain of happiness and affection.

Love however, also holds the power to discourage, break down, weaken, turn the biggest heart to stone, thicken your skin, leave you empty, turn a wonderful day to your worst nightmare. It has the power to rob you of any hope you may have. It can slowly dim the light at the end of your tunnel. It make you break down in tears for no reason. It can strip you of any self worth, and beat you down to merely of shadow of your former self. Love has the power to make someone who once loved life learn to hate each and every breath they take. It can cause a perfectly sane person commit suicide.